[Missouri-l] A Thots Funny from Mikey's Funnies
freespirit52 at charter.net
Tue Jan 11 04:55:37 CST 2011
Mikey's Funnies is generously hosted by Agathon Group, website development
and hosting with a ministry heart:
What follows is our twice-yearly compilation of Thots from the last six
months of Funnies.
~ A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased
new school clothes.
~ A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick
~ A friend is someone who reaches for your hand, but touches your heart.
~ All that wander are not lost...but most of the rest of us need a GPS just
to find our pants.
~ Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.
~ As for me and my mouse, we will serve the Lord!
~ Be moderate where pleasure is concerned - avoid fatigue.
~ Before entering a battle of wits, check your ammunition.
~ Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of
~ Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
~ Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
~ Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
the drive before it has stopped snowing.
~ Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in
a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but
I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in
about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
~ Experience is that thing you have just after you need it.
~ Football is not a contact sport; it is a collision sport. Dancing is a
~ Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
~ Genius is perseverance in disguise.
~ Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.
~ Happy RamaHanuKwanzMas!
~ Have you ever seen anyone actually laughing all the way to the bank?
~ Having abs like a six-pack is nothing. I have abs like a barrel.
~ He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a
~ He who hesitates is not only lost, but probably several miles from the
next freeway exit.
~ He who hesitates is probably right.
~ He who laughs last thinks slowest.
~ He who lives in a glass house should change his clothes in the basement.
~ He who lives in a glass house should not invite in he who is without sin.
~ He who sees only half the problem will be buried by the other half.
~ He who throws mud loses ground.
~ Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
~ HELP WANTED: Telepath. You know where to apply.
~ History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.
~ Home is where you hang your @
~ Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
~ Honk if you love peace and quiet.
~ Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they
~ How can I miss you if you won't go away?
~ How can someone "draw a blank"?
~ How can there be self-help groups?
~ How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked
when someone threw a gun at him?
~ How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
~ How do you throw away your old garbage cans?
~ How is it one careless match can start a forest fire when you can't start
a camp fire with a whole book of matches?
~ How is it that when you eat a 1 pound bag of M&M's you can gain more than
~ How many mimes have died because no one believed they were choking?
~ How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and
smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
~ How would we measure hail without golf balls?
~ I am a bomb squad technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.
~ I am a mental tourist. My mind wanders.
~ I am a Nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.
~ I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious
self-righteous people around me.
~ I am having an out-of-money experience.
~ I AM in shape. Round is a shape.
~ I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
~ I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I
~ I am not evil. Just divinely challenged.
~ I did NOT escape. They gave me a day pass.
~ I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
~ I didn't trip. I was testing gravity. It still works.
~ I don't mind going to work. But that 8-hour wait to go home is awful!
~ I eat my coffee straight from the can. Why dilute it?
~ I had a life once... traded it for a bigger flash drive.
~ I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.
~ I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
~ I have a mind like a steel ... you know ... doohicky.
~ I have a super power. I can read my own thoughts.
~ I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ I have to power walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out
what I'm doing.
~ I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.
~ I know a guy who does the work of three men...Moe, Larry & Curly.
~ I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift,"
but couldn't people think a bit bigger?!
~ I like long walks, especially when taken by people who annoy me.
~ I lost my mood ring today. I don't know how I feel about losing it.
~ I love poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a
~ I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
~ I made a mental note, but forgot where I put it.
~ I thought I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some
jerk with a torch, bringing me more work.
~ I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
~ I used to think middle age had to do with age, now I'm finding out it has
to do with my middle.
~ I'm not odd or strange ... just quietly rearranged.
~ If crime doesn't pay, does that mean my job is a crime?
~ If it doesn't matter who wins or loses, then why do they keep score?
~ If you chase two rabbits, you will not catch either one.
~ If you're going be late, then be late! And not just 2 minutes - make it an
hour and enjoy your breakfast.
~ If you're going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
~ If you're worrying, you're praying to the wrong God.
~ In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
~ It's better to tell your money where to go than to ask where it went.
~ Just thinking about The Wizard of Oz...just why did they give the
heartless Tin Man an axe?
~ Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well
~ Live each day like it's your last. One day you'll get it right.
~ Love is lovely when it's easy, but much truer when it's hard.
~ My mind is like lightning. One bright flash and it's gone.
~ My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term
memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
~ Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.
~ Our greatest hopes and our worst fears are seldom realized.
~ Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every person has many, not
on your past misfortunes, of which all people have some.
~ Remember that Triumph is just a little "umph" added to "try."
~ Remember, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose; what matters is
whether I win or lose.
~ Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and
you can wear them forever.
~ Sign in a John Deere sales office: The only machine we don't stand behind
is our manure spreader.
~ Small minds discuss persons. Average minds discuss events. Great minds
~ Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.
~ The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
"Well, she looks good, doesn't she?"
~ The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts the moment you get up and
doesn't stop until you get into the office.
~ The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that
there are children more awful than your own.
~ The road to success is always under construction.
~ The sign said "Eight items or less." So I changed my name to Les.
~ There is great need for a sarcasm font.
~ There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by
brute strength and ignorance.
~ There is only one exceptional child in the world...and every mother has
~ There's always a lot to be thankful for, if you take time to look for it.
For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't
~ They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their
shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I
don't wanna know 'em.
~ Today I'm gonna make yesterday jealous.
~ Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you, at 85 years old,
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
~ We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information
in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
~ What if the Hokey-Pokey really IS what it's all about?
~ What was the best thing before sliced bread?
~ When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine "Fred."
~ You spend the first 2 years teaching them to walk and talk, and the next
16 telling them to sit down and shut up.
~ You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice,
you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com
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